Ghosting in your 30s

 Dear No One,

There's a guy that I like and yet it's been over a week since I've heard from him this after only hearing from him once after a month of complete silence and this after basically spelling it out that I wanted a relationship and asking if that's what he wanted only to be met with the words I understand smiley emoji and a month of silence. I'm not stupid I know the pattern we've gone on one date and ever since it's always been the same thing no special dates no flowers just bread crumbs and going to his place getting on my knees and ending it with me leaving unsatisfied and wondering what the fuckk is wrong with me wishing desperately that I could be something more to him than what I am. I always read too much into his gestures the silence should be enough after all and yet I keep staring at the pair of vans that the boy gave me and now a Friday the 13th heavy rain that he got saying that he thought of me when he got it or maybe I'm misremembering I'm not even sure anymore it fits me and I wear it as if it actually means something but sometimes it just feels like the most hollow gesture if he wanted to talk to me wouldn't he and so I find myself back in the same speculative cycle ignored left on red and then I stopped talking to him and delete his number and wonder if I will hear from him again a cat and mouse game that I put myself in and end up just crying because why can't he be like Zaid or Malachi or Josh from any of the dark romance books that I read but in reality what I really want that? It's the constant wondering of why I'm being ghosted in my almost 30s after all aren't we too old for this aren't the games old and it's not like I can't find other guys who wanna funk me and yet here I am writing out a blog if only to say what I want out loud because therapy costs too much and honestly tik toks never ending bullshit algorithm is exhausting